Monday, November 9, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Monday, October 19, 2009


Try as hard as I might, that feeling keeps creeping back in. I feel empty. My Lord, Jesus Christ is there, but that feeling, you know, the one everyone tells you goes away, yeah that one...that's gone. It's so so easy for me to be a lukewarm Christian. That is a natural place for me. I'm not a hardcore rebel, but I make and want to make choice that aren't QUITE right. I start friendships and am perfectly happy not taking them into the spiritual part of my life. Letting them be really close friends, of me, the person.

How did I get there from where I started...?

But honestly I think it's a control issue this time. Last time it was a security issue, this time control. I want control. I want to know that I can change it (don't you love pronouns with no nouns to refer to). I want to know that it (there is that pronoun again) won't be able to tell me what to do.

The "it" is many things. My attitude, my friendships, my hardships, my temptations, my parents, my state laws, my Lord. Ranging from could be good could be bad, to, "stealing control from that is signing a death warrent".

I want assurance that I'm not some gullible puppet on a string, that I have a say in my life. Even if it's as simple as the ability to drive myself down to Jackson to see my loves. I feel like even the "it's" that I have claimed control over, really have control over me. I'm in bondage to having control over them. Does that make sense?

This very well could be an endless circle that makes no sense to anyone but me...

But if so, this is my circle, "and I'm stinkin to it." Literally, I'm stuck in it. Asking the Lord to get me out!

Other than that lingering, underlying feeling, I'm loving life.

I feel like sometimes the Lord is up there just holding a blessing for me in his hands. He tells the angels, "watch, she's going to doubt me again." They all chime in with, "no way." "after what you did for her last time, she's must be a fool." etc. Then when I do, he laughs in the warmest, friendliest laugh you've ever heard. (Think Santa, now less creepy, and more real, and heavenly, oh nevermind...not worth trying to go there) He gently tosses the blessing DIRECTLY in my path and I run into it. After I check my nose for broken bones, I realize he just blessed me after I doubted and hit myself in my already bruised nose with the "duh" sign. Now the whole heavenly realm is laughing with me and God as I laugh at myself for being so rediculous. Then 3 steps later I've forgotten all over again and it all happens again.

Ever feel like no matter what is going on in your life you are only running in circles?

I'm totally there...

Well, getting ready for company in a couple days! Goodnight, God bless!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


It's so cold now, I'm spending more time inside. You'd think that would mean that I would actually remember to post. And it's not like I haven't been on blogger. I just don't ever feel like whatever it is that I would have to say would really be worth actually saying.
You see, life, it's begun to take on a routine that is rather mundane. Each day I have a set of things I do, then I go to bed, don't sleep enough, kill my back, and wake up the next day to feel worse. (That's my back that feels worse, me personally not always. :))

But, I've decided to bore you with my ramblings anyway, because I can't and won't hold them in any longer.

Okay, so right now I'm in the Library, in the computer portion. There is definitely this guy directly in front of me who I SWEAR hasn't blinked ONCE. He's playing some computer game and he's so stinkin intent on that game that he hasn't looked away or even blinked. I think a bomb could go off and he wouldn't even notice.

People like that crack me up, just so different. There is so much more to do than stare at a screen. I love people watching. I love multitasking. And I love love love real life. But I also love technology and computers. But it's different. Everything in moderation. I have to admit, here at school I spend most of my time online, but a I said, I love multitasking. So, yeah, moderation.

Yeah, so that's not too much of a rant, and it really doesn't mean here you go...and here's to being better at posting more often....

Friday, October 9, 2009

Feasting On God

My grandpa (happens to be my Sunday school teacher) brought this a couple weeks ago. How does it affect you?

Feasting on God’s Word
by George Mueller

…The point is this: I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord. The first thing to be concerned about was not, how much I might serve the Lord, how I might glorify the Lord; but how I might get my soul into a happy state, and how my inner man might be nourished. For I might seek to set the truth before the unconverted, I might seek to benefit myself as it becomes a child of God in this world; and yet, not being happy in the Lord, and not being nourished and strengthened in my inner man day by day, all this might not be attended to in a right spirit.
…Now I saw that the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the Word of God and to meditation on it, that thus my heart might be comforted, encouraged, warned, reproved, instructed; and that thus, whilst meditating, my heart might be brought into experimental, communion with the Lord…

The first thing I did, after having asked in a few words the Lord’s blessing upon his precious Word, was to begin to meditate on the Word of God; searching, as it were, into every verse, to get blessing out of it; not for the sake of public ministry of the Word; not for the sake of preaching on what I had meditated upon; but for the sake of obtaining food for my own soul. The result I have found to be almost invariably this, that after a very few minutes my soul has been led to confession, or to thanksgiving, or to intercession, or to supplication; so that thought I did not, as it were give myself to prayer, but to meditation, yet it turned almost immediately more or less into prayer. When thus I have been for awhile making confession, or intercession, or supplication, or have given thanks, I go on to the next words or verse, turning all, as I go on, into prayer for myself or others, as the Word may lead to it; but still continually keeping before me, that food for my own soul is the object of my meditation. The result of this is, that there is always a good deal of confession , thanksgiving, supplication, or intercession mingled with my meditation, and that my inner man almost invariably is even sensibly nourished and strengthened and that by breakfast time, with rare exceptions, I am in a peaceful if not happy state of heart. Thus also the Lord is pleased to communicate unto me that which, very soon after, I have found to become food for other believers, though it was not for the sake of the public ministry of the Word that I gave myself to meditation, but for the profit of my own inner man.

The difference between my former practice and my present one is this. Formerly, when I rose, I began to pray as soon as possible, and generally spent all my time till breakfast in prayer, or almost all the time. At all events I almost invariable began with prayer…But what was the result? I often spent a quarter of an hour, or half an hour, or even an hour on my knees, before being conscious to myself of having derived comfort, encouragement, humbling of soul, etc.; and often after having suffered much from wandering of mind for the first ten minutes, or a quarter of an hour, or even half an hour, I only then began really to pray.

I scarcely ever suffer now in this way. For my heart being nourished by the truth, being brought into experimental fellowship with God, I speak to my Father, and to my Friend (vile though I am, and unworthy of it) about the things that He has brought before me in his precious Word.

As the outward man is not fit for work for any length of time, except we take food, and as this is one of the first things we do in the morning, so it should be with the inner man. We should take food for that, as everyone must allow. What is the food for the inner man: not prayer, but the Word of God, so that it not only passes through our minds, just as water runs through a pipe, but considering what we read, pondering over it, and applying it to our hearts…

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I had every intention on writing a great fantastic blog post today.

Instead I spent hours on

Now don't get all excited, no, I'm not getting married, I'm simply being a girl.

So instead I'll leave you with that and a word about tonight

We started the community youth group tonight. (We being parents from my church, my parents, and me.) We really had a nice size group there too. As my dad's daughter, and having already seen him in many different roles over the years, I am so thrilled about seeing him in the role of youth ministry. I love my dad! The Lord blessed him with many talents, and it's such a cool role to see him in. There are times when I just sure my dad was made to work with families, from grandparents and great grandparents all the way down to nursery babies (they quit crying almost instantly once he has them). Tonight was one of them. To steal the line from one of the boys who quietly came up to him and talked to him one-on-one, "You can do anything!" Back to youth group. I'm just so excited. No matter how much I feel like I'm not old enough to be a "leader" in the youth group, I'm excited that I get to be there. Whether the teens get anything out of what my dad says and what they discuss in their small groups is entirely up to them and their attitude. But me, I will definitely get real good soul food out of Wednesday nights. I'm home for a reason...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Soundtrack to My Life!

So, I want to go to Goodwill and just start buying all of the cds. It's very rare for me to not find at least ONE song and any cd I listen to that I don't like. Just imagine me large variety then. Oh my soul aches for music!

I'm bored today, so it's picture time!!

I love my Katie!!!

ps...i'm secretly in love with Good Housekeeping

Monday, September 21, 2009

Puzzles, Angel Food Cake and Febreze

Do you ever have the strong desire to make angel food cake at really random hours of the night? I just really want to make some right now. I don't even really want to eat it, but making it, sounds like a grand ol' time to me. Huh. Randomness.

The twists and turns in my life will never stop surprising me, even though I know they should. Nothing with the Lord should surprise me. (Nor should I ever feel inadequate by the world's standards because I'm living under the Lord's not the world's.) And yet, both seem to happen, and happen often.

I'm carpooling out to Kirtland Community College twice a week with a dear friend, Naomi Gardner. (Katie Handrich on one of those days as well, but my story today is about Naomi. I'll address KD in a different post.) I know Noami through Camp Barakel; both of our families were on staff. In fact, she's never lived anywhere else than Camp. She's one of the best Christian testimonies I have ever found, and weekly she brings shame to my face and mind. I've gone to public school for 6 years, claimed to be a testimony to the world for that amount of time. This is her first experience in school out of her home. I find myself having to watch how I act when around Naomi and those she has reached her loving arms out to. Each drive home from school consists of much talking from her and much blaming in my head. Hearing her stories, watching her faith, see her action, it brings me to silence in the car. What do I have to show for a day in a public place like school? I go, I work on school, I keep up with friends living different places, going to school all over the country, I avoid talking to people, and inevitably I have some moment of weakness when the worst of my human nature is let loose. And, no joke, someone that Naomi has been reaching out to, sees me do it. It's humiliating, frustrating, maddening, and sickening all at the same time. I fancied myself doing okay, ya know. The Lord couldn't have any complaints about my testimony to the world. I didn't swear out loud for the world to hear, wear super revealing clothing, have a bad attitude towards authority or other people in general, slack when it comes to school. But Naomi is so, different. I'm not sure she could blend in if she wanted to (which she never would want to). I worked hard to learn the skills to blend in, and now I never wanted to stand out again, until I watched Naomi.

Here's the problem, I think more than wanting to be a better light for the Lord, I want to be a better light compared to Naomi, and I'm not blind to the problem. My pride is at stake. So is my Christian appearance (which no matter what I say, IS very important especially to a pastor's daughter). So my struggle I find myself in happens to be, am I feeling the push for a change from the Spirit, or from my pride, or both? And what exactly would that change be. I love change, but I hate having to change.

To those wondering about the Puzzles and Febreze I say this. Puzzles are fun, but the best pictures are always the most poorly made puzzles. Oh the frustration. And, question. When a puppy urinates on your business book, is it enough to febreze those pages, or should I have done something else?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Crawling Up the Walls

The phrase crawling up the walls was once said to me, and I hadn't a clue what it meant. I now do. I NEED out of this library! I'm hoping to get something accomplished, but had to share my frustration!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Why I Write...

I have just recently been asked, by someone very dear to me who happens to not share my love and devotion to the written word, why I write on a blog. My response, "It's just something I do." That response has stuck with me, especially as I now think of my long absence from writing. I'm not content with that answer. There must be a reason why the written word is so powerful to me.

I'm sure my dad has some pull on why I value it so much. I swear he has this agreement with my mom to encourage me to write out my feelings to someone when I'm not sure what to do. They both give the same advice. When a young man came to ask about dating me, my dad set a few ground rules, then encouraged us to not spend hours on the phone, but rather to write our feelings for each other.

I was home schooled as an elementary student, and if there was one thing that my mom made sure to encourage, was reading. After some time, she really didn't have to work at getting me to read, and I was likely to believe anything I read. It took time for me to believe that everything written in a CLEARLY labeled FICTION book was not true. That someone would write a lie was beyond me. What is it about seeing the words written on paper, or typed on a screen that makes them ring out so clearly and true?

I think of the Apostle Paul and all of the letters he wrote to the churches he started or discipled. Toward the beginning of most of the letters, Paul tells his audience who is delivering the letter and why, but if he has someone delivering the letter, why doesn't that person simply tell the church all that Paul wanted to say? There was something significant for Paul to write it down.

So considering all of my history and all other random facts that show up this wondrous late night/early morning, I've come to these conclusions. The written word seems concrete and indisputably true. Now, as an adult, I realize that much of what is written and even claimed to be true is not, but that doesn't change the fact that it appears to be true. If the source is known and trusted, there is no reason to believe that anything written by that source is false. The assurance in that when it comes to reading people's blogs, or facebook pages, or emails is incredible. The impact that a trustworthy friend's encouragement written out can have, even over the verbal encouragement and hugs, blows me away. Not only do they seem concrete, they seem real. With a performer background (at least an interest in performing), I second guess that people are telling me the truth often. They could look me in the face, tell me the sky outside was blue, and if for one second they flinched, as if caught in a lie, I wonder if they are acting and trying to pull a reaction out of me. I once heard that if something embarrassing happened, something as simple as burping in public, if nobody acknowledges it "it never happened. It wasn't in the script, no one planned on it, no one noticed it, so it never happened." But if someone has something to say to me and they write it down, there is no faking that. They can't act like they didn't say that or mean what they said. They can't tell me it never happened, it's written in the script, it's a prop in this play we call life.

If I write what I say, what I mean, what means something to me, it can't be skewed to fit someone else's purpose. No one could say, "she told me she felt this way about (fill in the blank)" and someone else say the complete opposite. If they wanted to know the truth, all they would have to do is look for where I wrote about it, and that would tell them.

I try hard to write what I mean, and only what I mean. If I write "I love you" you better believe I mean it with all my heart. And if for some reason I write something I dont mean, you can be expecting an apology, rebuttal, or explanation very closely following. And sometimes when I write something, it is perfectly true for how I feel at that moment, but 2 days later how I feel could be completely different and would require a completely new piece of literature to describe exactly how I feel.

I guess I wrote this whole post in an effort to remind myself why I do write, what relief there is once I have my thoughts out in words, no longer kept alone in myself. And to remind myself why I do need to keep writing, not for your sake, but for mine. So you know what I mean when I say "I have the hiccups." So when I say, "I miss Josh," you know that means that I'm struggling to let go again, to let God's promises uplift me, and that it's normal for me, be there for me, don't smoother me.

So, to the one who asks why I write on one of these I say, so I can hear myself think. There, closer to satisfied now.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Packed and Ready to Go

I'm all packed. My car is not quite full (but i still think it's full enough) and I'm heading home on Saturday (day trip to Ann Arbor tomorrow for a one last HOORAH with Ames.). I'm not sure how I feel about anything at all right now though. So many things have happened that have added to the emotions I'm feeling that I'm not sure about much of anything lately.

Not really in the writing mood either. Just sorta odd right now (what's new).

Just thought you deserved an update!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

One Common Prayer

On this last "Day of Prayer" here at NTBI there is one common prayer that everyone is asking for. Perseverance. No one seems to have the gumption to do any schoolwork anymore. Unfortunately that creates difficulties as the Sophomores (that's me) have a a paper to spend 20 hours on and none of us have the desire to do it. Don't get me wrong, we know it will be amazing and SO beneficial to us and our walk with the Lord, but oh I just want to be done. Even right now I'm putting it off.

And I'm getting really frustrated. I keep starting these blog posts with all these ideas about what to write about then forgetting! GRRR!! SO ANNOYING!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Amie and I went out for one of our last times. In just 11 days I'll hug that girl to death then drive north to my home town. But in honor of this being Cinco de Mayo we went to the little mexican restaurante El Compa right down the street from the school. I just think it's really funny that everyone feels like celebrating Cinco de Mayo whether they are Mexican or not. I think the fascination comes from the fact that it's not in English but it is simply the month and the day...oddness. Anyway, the reason for rambling about all that was to tell you that my mouth tastes funny because of the salsa.

So, I've started packing again. It's kinda fun, a great break from thinking about that huge paper I get to do by next Thursday. It'll be depressing when I've packed everything I can so I have to work on that 20 hour paper.

I have more to say, but it will have to wait.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

*hiccup hiccup*

Do you have any clue how much I HATE hiccups?! When I get the hiccups, they aren't the little polite "Excuse me I have the hiccups" they are "EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME, GIVE ME SOME WATER OR THIS WHOLE ROOM WILL BE DISTRACTED FOR THE NEXT 38 MINUTES!!!!" When I was in high school and junior high my teachers knew that when I got the hiccups it was best to let me out to get a drink. That really has nothing to do with what's on my mind right now, but my hiccups distracted me. Give me a second and I'll have them gone.

Okay, all set. I have a very LARGE variety of hobbies. None of them seem to match, but lately it's been sorta fun with one of them. I went home one weekend and had the urge to take pictures. I called up my friend KD and we set a time. The subject, her senior pictures. We get all set to go and head out to the river taking as many as we can before we find out that we forgot extra batteries. The whole day was just this amazing blur of laughing and taking pictures. I wasn't really too worried about if they were "quality" or not. I'm not a photographer and I know that. The day was done and I brought the pictures back to school with me to see what kind of editting I could do with them. I brought the final products (over 250 after weeding out the flops and giving different options with each successful picture) home with me this weekend. KD came over yesterday with her parents and decided on 5 of them to take to walmart for printing (I love low budget senior pictures, I swear I tried to make them look as profession as I could).

But I've had a sad day moment come. My camera has been fried for a while now, (accidentally got it wet and turned it on before I knew I had) but it has just recently stopped even taking "blind" pictures. *sniff sniff* It was only a Kodak Easy Share point and shoot, but it was my first and only camera. Lately, though, through friends of mine and a really cool website I found, I've been learning more about the inter workings of cameras' manual modes, and the things you can do with them. I'm in no rush to go out and buy the first camera I come across. Yes, it's sad that I have no camera and it will be missed greatly, but next time it will be a worthwhile investment (I hope).

So if you do end up with me anywhere and you have a camera, take pictures for me and offer me copies!! I LOVE pictures!

Well, being told I need to go finish making my preztel salad. (Scary right, Bridge in the kitchen!)

Until next time!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Naps are a thing of the devil!!! I'm SERIOUS!

Don't get me wrong, naps feel amazing, little afternoon siestas with the warm sun and cool breeze coming in the window. But for whatever reason, I can't take naps and sleep at night. I can't figure out why I have this problem. I know I used to sleep as a youngin' what's so different now? Yesterday exhaustion hit at about 2ish. I was lying on my top bunk right next to the open windows reading I Corinthians. Next thing I know, I have Anna and Ames waking me up for supper. I felt amazing afterward. Homework was easier because my mind was more alert, then I did all my normal "let's calm my mind and body down" things. Midnight rolls around and I get up into bed. Nothing. I get bored lying there with my eyes closed, so my mind has a field day. I thought maybe I could read myself to sleep again. I pulled out a Real Simple magazine, and, unlike usual, I read through a whole magazine. Still nothing. In fact, now I have more thoughts and ideas running through my head. So I ramble-write for a while (my favorite pastime when my mind won't shut up). I turn my computer back on and torture a friend by sending him my rambling. Still nothing. It is now 1:45. Alarms (all 3) are set anywhere between 6:30 and 6:45. Dishcrew starts at 7:15. Sleep sounded amazing, but still found a way to be allusive. I pull out my James devotional and decided to fully engage my mind and tire myself out instead of trying to numb myself. I was simply blown away by the little things in my life God showed me through that. At 2:30 I noticed that I was struggling to concentrate and even keep my eyes open. THANK YOU LORD! I said a goodnight/thank you prayer to finish up my devo time and was asleep before I realized that I left my light on.

My nighttime saga. Fascinating, I know. (Sarcasm seems to have found it's place at the forefront of my brain today.) I couldn't afford to be drowsy through classes today, so nasty school coffee was doctored up to taste somewhat drinkable. (Coffee...YUMMY...but that's a different topic.) By the time that class started at 8, I felt like concentration was something that could possibly last, at least through one class.

Glorious "sleep chapel" (it's student leaders chapel, so the rest of the students have a free hour) happens to be the reason for this rant occurring before lunch. The whole of the student body covets this day above all else and it is named sleep chapel for a reason. The only reason I've found that people don't actually sleep is if they procrastinated on their homework. I must confess that I have done that many a time. But this is not one of those times. My whole goal today in skipping out on the sleep part of this chapel is so that I can complete exhaust myself and go to bed extremely early for complete alertness tomorrow. Odd goal, especially for me. (If you have spent any amount of time with me you know the seriousness of that statement. Sleep is not my favored activity. Funny that I would have a whole post about it then.)

Anyway, it had been a while since I had rambled like such. Sad day, but I think I may have just made up for it.

Friday, April 10, 2009


So last night Brandon and I were talking about life. Currently I have a friend who just got engaged and that sparked a conversation about marriage. Here was my take on the matter...
"it's my goal...if you want my worldly goals....that's it...i want to be married...but i'm trying to not let that desire cloud my view of how the Lord wants to use me while i'm still single"
Shortly after that, Brandon and I seemed to open up to each other, at least more than we ever had before. I just stopped and looked back at the conversation we were having and saw just how blessed I was to have a brother like Brandon (even if i was talking to him when i should have been doing my homework). Moments of laughter in our serious discussion were as such...
"my future wife will be exactly what I she is amazing...because...exactly what I going to be a prettty bizzare mixture"
"sure there are stranger people...but they are ALWAYS strange"
then i got all serious again
"and that brings out the part of me that is (forgive me) half way happy that you are i have my brother with no plus "so-and-so"...thanksgiving was hard for me...and so was new years...not that i felt left out...cuz it wasn't was that you weren't MY brothers you wereTHEIR someone special...."
And finally, the part that this post is dedicated to...
Brandon Boy: which is one thing I absolutely loved...our family is so blessed
Brandon Boy: and I realize that more and more every year
Bridge: (amen)
Brandon Boy: even the good kids, that grew up in Christian homes...most have nothing on our family
Bridge: i think of my bff here...who sees nothing good in marriage and can't even be happy for people getting married
Bridge: i stayed at her house...growing up there i would never wanna be married either
Brandon Boy: yeah
Brandon Boy: I have friends
Brandon Boy: hurts my heart
Brandon Boy: a lot
Brandon Boy: I like being home (not much to do there...but it is still home)
Brandon Boy: because my family is there
Brandon Boy: not because of friends
Brandon Boy: and when I am home, I know my parents love me
Brandon Boy: and woudn't do anything purposefully to hurt me...
Bridge: i expirienced that for the first time...the wanting to be home for that reason...and longing to go back now...just these past 4 days
Bridge: having Lisa there
Bridge: that was something for me
Bridge: to even see what her kids were growing up seeing
Bridge: wishing they could grow up as i did
Bridge: knowing how blessed that is
Bridge: but mostly...i loved Saturday
Bridge: mom, dad and i went to alpena in the afternoon and evening
Bridge: we shopped...not even together...(i didn't buy anything)
Bridge: then went out to eat
Bridge: and stopped to get coffee
Bridge: and drove home all in three in the front seat
Bridge: talking about college
Bridge: and camp
Bridge: and life
Bridge: and it hit me
Bridge: and from that moment in the car
Bridge: no matter what little differences i have with mom and dad
Bridge: no matter if i know i need to get away for a time
Bridge: there has been and will be a piece of me that wants to stay there forever
Bridge: cuz like you said
Bridge: i'm safe there
Bridge: i'm loved there
Bridge: that's a feeling you can't duplicate
Bridge: you can't find by looking
Bridge: it's something that is a gift from God
Bridge: only a parents love
Bridge: a love i wanna show my children
Bridge: another thing is i've seen how much mom and i are alike
Bridge: in how we react and act towards kids
Bridge: but dad and i in how we plan things
Brandon Boy: yeah
Brandon Boy: you hit the nail on the head
Brandon Boy: as much as I know I could probably find a girl
Brandon Boy: with whom life would be easy
Bridge: but that's not what you are looking for....
Bridge: you don't want life to be easy
Bridge: you want it to be full...fulfilled
Bridge: the best God has for you both
Brandon Boy: well
Brandon Boy: see the deal is
Brandon Boy: that my family has love to share
Bridge: yeah
Bridge: ?
Brandon Boy: so why should I just take the easy road?
Brandon Boy: my heart wants to love
Brandon Boy: I don't know
Bridge: ding ding ding ... sounds like the right reasoning to me
Brandon Boy: I am not going to just pursue a girl because she is hurting (or because she is NOT hurting
Brandon Boy: but
Brandon Boy: there is no reason to just always try to make life as easy as possible
Bridge: brandon boy...we have to be two of the most complicated people on this planet...the way our minds work...but you have me beat more than i knew"

AAAHHHHHHH!!! LORD You have blessed FAR beyond what I could EVER deserve!!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


...hit me again. My RA has a friend who is now with the Lord. He left 2 years ago. One night early on in the semester I told her about Josh, and she told me about Mike. We found that we were in similar spots in the grieving process. Well, she has been missing him lately and I was curious as to what had triggered it. She wasn't here to ask, so I went exploring on her blog and found her friends. Finding out the reason left my mind and I was excited to explore blogs (one of my new favorite pastimes). I didn't expect to stumble upon what I did find. Her name is Amy, and she is now my hero. Mike's wife, she is revealing how life was for her 2 years ago, right before, during, and after the accident. I realized who it was and wanted to stop, my mind screamed for me not to read, not to pry, but I couldn't. I read about their amazing vacation, the struggles and joys of their marriage on that trip. I read about the accident. I read about the grief and shock. I paused. I was bawling...a complete mess. (can't even write that without tearing up) Josh was a friend, not my best friend, truth be told he knew more about me than I knew about him. But he still meant so much to me. He had a deep care for people, and I got a chance to experience that first hand so many times. The last time I saw him, I left conversation open ended. I was down and out mad at him. It wasn't his fault, and I was taking it out on him. He accepted blame graciously as he understood what I was going through. And that was it. September came and he was gone.

I "worked through" my pain quickly, but realized quickly that I was only burying it. That came back to bite me as I was here at school. I've had a couple of good cries, and little tears here and there. The Lord has been healing me as I remember the memories I have of Josh and the conversations I have with people like my RA, but I can't tell you the pain I'm experiencing right now as I write this. Yeah, I know it's a part of life and I'll see him again. Yeah, I know everyone else who was close to Josh has to deal with it too. Yeah, I know that everyone has had someone close to them die and some of them without hope of life after death. But I love how I have heard it put, "You know why we have such a hard time with death, because it's not natural. We were not made to die. Death came from the fall. We were made to live forever." I hate death, it's a nasty thing. I know it only becomes more real as I get older. I should be pulling peace and strength from the fact that I'll see them again. And I am happy about that...but that doesn't seem to make it hurt worse, or make that pain go away.

This wound won't seem to heal...

So this is someone's encouragement. How do I read these and be encouraged?? Why don't these words change anything in how I feel.

Watching and waiting our whole life through
For the moment when we arrive in Glory.
We’ll be standing before His emerald throne.
O what a day it will be!

All tears are gone and suffering ceased.
Perfect new life with no earthly strife
For we’ve finished the race, run to His embrace
O what a day it will be!

When we’ve arrived, stunned and surprised,
All things resolved in the blink of an eye;
No more distractions, no sin left to fight.
The first glimpse of Jesus and faith becomes sight.

Feel the ground shake, hear thunder roll.
See blinding light and seraphim flight.
All amazed we will fall, yet the Father will call,
“Stand, I have made you my own.”

A choir with angels, martyrs and saints
Sing in His praise with no end to the day,
Shouting, “Holy, holy, holy!” to almighty God;
O what a song that will be!

When we’ve arrived, stunned and surprised,
All things resolved in the blink of an eye;
No more distractions, no sin left to fight.
The first glimpse of Jesus and faith becomes sight.
©2008 Resolved Music. All right reserved. International Copyright Secured.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

There's a great juggler on the radio tonight!

Given the option of me rambling or not, I was told that I should ramble in these wee hours of the morning. Not sure he knows what he's getting himself into with what kind of mood I'm in. What mood is that you ask...hmmmmm

So somehow I fell asleep during Sister Act with two cousins in the same room. They aren't loud persay, but they aren't always quiet either. I guess they were up pretty late, but I was out and not waking up at 9:30. Let me repeat that. I was out and not waking up at NINE THIRTY IN THE EVENING!!! If you know me at all you will understand the immense oddness of that comment. What is even odder, I didn't wake up until 9:50 this morning. I don't know why. This whole 12 hours of sleep thing made me feel odd today.

On another note, I keep finding myself allowing my mind to wander as I sit and eat in the IWU food place (I guess it's called Baldwin...funny...that's my RA's last name...if you say Grace, I say Baldwin). It reminds me of Chuck's at CU (Brandon's school) from the few times i've eaten in there. I guess it's the same catering service, but Cederville's is bigger or something like that. Anways, that's not supposed to be the point of this little blurb. I keep finding myself thinking about big and small schools and the lost of identity in them. I am well aware of all the ways that large schools try to hold onto the indentity of each student and that the students usually wouldn't notice what I see. But being who I am, I would reek havic on a large school. I would never be content with just my group of people. I would have to be known around school as the random odd weird freaky girl who would walk up to a complete and utter stranger just to say hi (and I would TRY to remember to do it when I'm not hyper). But i'm afraid I would scare many. I even scared a bunch of people at my TINY school by accidentally leaving my room when I was hyper this second semester. By this point I'm over shyness, so the new freshmen this semester got quite a shock. But, back to the point. There is nothing wrong with it, but it would totally be a change for me. I'm just having trouble placing myself in a large institution like this or CU. It makes me laugh to picture it. I'm sure Rachelle was wondering what I was looking at and laughing at whilst we have been eating. Also, I LOVE the ability to people watch here!!!

So tomorrow is up in the air a bit. If the Herrs don't pick up their phone I may end up being stuck here for another day. Which that wouldn't be all bad for me, cuz then I would get homework done, but poor Rachelle, I would feel bad for her. I would be imposing, but I'm rather scared to go off on my own. (Trust the Lord Bri!!!!)

One of my favorite things to do in the world is try to put myself in someone elses shoes. To live like them for a while puts a whole new spin on the world. I started a story (back in my writing days before I realized just how much I sucked at it) about a girl who was a different person in each town that they lived in. I remember I had so many amazing plans for it, but I could figure out how to try them out. We had at that time stopped moving so much. I hope sometime to be able to. Can you imagine putting on that persona and recording everything. How people respond to you, the jobs you get, the looks you get, everything. I love it! Can't wait for my chance! Perhaps it will come when I get my chance to travel the USA. Oh the dreams I wish I could live...

Sorry for springing this random blog on you of a bunch of rambling. Oops, I just appologized again. Compulsive rambling and appologizing seems to be a curse with me. If I'm incredibly awake, or immensly tired, I ramble nonstop. Unfortunately I can't seem to find teh happy medium. So the majority of the time you might want to be careful what you say to me, or you might end up starting me on an large ramble that lasts forever. And what's even worse, I am VERY capable about rambling about anything. So you are better off just not talking to me if you don't want to risk getting an earful everyonce in a while.

Okay, for your sake, the unfortunate reader, I will end your agony and end this ramble session. Hope you got some amusement out of some part of it, even if it's just trying to picture me rambling all this.

Friday, March 27, 2009

In Indiana!

Spring Break has arrived and I left school after grabbing food and filling my gas tank for Indiana! The trip was fairly uneventful, besides that trucker that didn't look in his blind spot when he has 3 cars in a row trying to pass him (almost got squashed). I'm so stoked about being here! (Here is IWU.) I plan on making me and Rachelle (and Hannah when she gets here) take a bunches of pictures and then stealing them, as I have no camera. So here is the first stop on my journey home. I hope it will be filled with memories and random oddness (as it always it with Rachelle and me).

Till later...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


There is so much that I'm being taught daily...
I committed to praying for 2 hours as much as I could possibly for a friend who was going for Dr. Appointment. I'd forgotten how to do that, and even how it feels to have the Spirit bring things to mind in prayer....
How challenging...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Here's to dreams...

"Here’s to dreams we won’t surrender,

Lovers lost, and ones remembered

to the bending and the breaking,

the mending and the making"

- MG**

So my God is officially amazing!! (I know...can't believe it took me this long to say human eyes are blind...but oh so opened now!) Just when I am preparing to go through a time of trials after my God blessed me, He switches up my cycle a bit, and I have been blessed again!

I went home this past weekend. I know, surprise surprise, the week before I have spring break. (The most common question award goes to, "Oh, you are on spring break? For how long?"..."Spring break isn't until next week, I'm just up for the musical.") I was stoked about it for 2 weeks before this past stinking weekend would get here. At 2 PM I departed from my Jackson home after a call to my mother dearest. Headed up to Okemos (just east of Lansing) to meet Kathleen. Got a bit nervous as I neared my exit, as I was going to have to drive into Okemos and find her apartment based on some directions I printed out. (Yeah, um, I'm VERY directionally challenged!) I made it to her complex and called her to find out where to park. In a short time we were all packed up in her mom's "cute" yellow bug (I wouldn't suggest it for the the comfort of your passengers, even if you just have one. But it did have this "cute" handy little spot for a vase for flowers right by the steering wheel. Ha ha!) and on hour 2 1/2 hour drive to the north woods.

Kathleen surprised me. I haven't really sat down and talked to her ever I don't think, but this car ride didn't have a silent moment I don't think. Even after my throat was dry and scratchy, she was just fine carrying the conversation. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. She proved herself a great and amazing Christian example and (she might kill me if she ever sees this) "mentor"-type conversationalist. Her perspective on things was so different than I had found from anyone else. Plus, she has the best music in the "Grey's Anatomy" genre!!

We got to the school and I found myself hit with this overwhelming feeling of homesickness as soon as I saw my mom. I didn't want to stay and eat and watch the musical. I just wanted to pack my parents into the van and drive home to spend time just in the house together. Instead I settled for a hug from both (I did TRY not to hang on them, but I so wanted to) and a sloppy joe sandwich (which was amazing!!). I talked with Kathleen and mommy until my dad finished his meeting. I was told people wanted to see me, so I snuck upstairs to the dressing room where I surprised people as they wandered upstairs to get dressed in their costumes.

Besides my mommy, my friend Katie met me at the door to the school!! I can NOT tell you how much I miss that girl! Unfortunately, because of musical schedule and such, the only time I spent with her was at the school and at church on Sunday. =`(

After all the happy greetings and excited meetings and even a little running for my dad just for old times sake, I sat to watch the musical that I was once again hyped about. The Overture started and I couldn't seem to get comfortable; I wasn't supposed to be to sitting and watching, these were my fellow actors, not my friends to watch in a play, I was supposed to be up there with them. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't shake that feeling the whole night, I was just sort of out of it. I didn't have the time to dwell on it though. Logan, my favorite little guy who adores me, started the musical boldly and bravely. I'm not sure I would have been able to do that at his age. Acting opposite David (also one of my favorite guys) I was beyond surprised! My shy timid David was singing was such confidence and in his beautiful voice, showing the personality I knew was in there. Person after person that night surprised me. About in the middle I was in tears, missing my time with these amazing singers, actors, and friends. They did so amazing! By far the BEST musical I've seen in quite a LONG time!!

For the rest of the weekend I bummed around, visited with peoples, and did homework. It was such an amazing weekend (I just didn't get all the homework done that I should have. *big smile).

I really didn't want to leave on Sunday, but I did; missing supper at home and here. So I went digging in my change jar and found $1.30 and decided it was time for a taco bell run. I found Hannah. She has quickly become one of my dearest friends in the last 2 weeks. She's in Callie's dorm and a freshman. The conversation that ensued there at taco bell over my warm gooey delicious cheesy double beef burrito was amazing. What was supposed to be a 10 minute conversation turned into an hour conversation.

I'm writing all this, in such detail, so when I face trials of many kind, like I know I will, I can look back and see God's blessings and look for His faithfulness. I know He will be faithful!


**Note** Some lines written by Matt Gagle. Yet another blessing from God and quickly becoming one of my best friends!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Blessings on a sunny Sunday

After a gorgeous Saturday, Amie and I decided to walk to church in the morning. I attend Ganson Street Baptist Church about 2 miles away from the school. So I checked the weather and we dressed accordingly to walk the 2 miles in the glorious morning sun. It was so much more amazing to hear the bird, feel the warmth of the sun growing, the cool night air leaving then I could put in words. I'm not a huge nature freak, but there are certain things that I just miss terribly about living at Camp Barakel and seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling the Lord's creation on a spring or summer morning is one of those things. There is no feeling it compares to.

There was a scrumptious soup lunch after church and I noticed something else the Lord has been doing in my life. Building relationships in our church is something stressed by the school but I always had an issue with lasting conversations that mean something. Small talk and random facts I can initiate well, like in a working together situation. I tend to have an issue with genuinely getting to know someone well in a face-to-face talking once a week at church situation. Through upperclassmen and teachers and other random people, I'm finding it easier to ask relevant questions that really allows me to take a true interest in people. So I spent lunch consciously trying to builder a closer and better relationship with my coworker in Adventure Clubs (children's ministry on Sunday nights). I was surprised at the quality of conversation that I had.

The return walk to the school with Amie provided amazing time for conversation. I'm growing so close to that girl. The depth and understanding of a friendship when we both watch each other grow in the Lord and help each other grow is amazing.

I spent the afternoon doing homework and planning my music to do with the children that night. At Adventure Clubs I got prepared to do the music. One new song (Jesus Loves Me - remixed), Victory Chant (second week doing it), and All In All...trying to use time, calm them down, and also that's just a really great song. I've had issues since taking it over. I don't feel like I was confident and they could tell causing them to react differently to it. Well last night I felt confident and I felt like the kids might have actually enjoyed it. It was such an encouragement.

After finishing my homework for today, Amie and I decided that we wanted to see real stars. I knew I had before driven down in a certain area and found a lake so we went looking for it. When my memory failed me we decided just to keep driving. We took turns deciding which ways she should turn as we were enjoying the still cool evening, great music, and NOT CITY (we even found a dirt road to turn onto). The sun was almost completely gone and we weren't sure exactly where we were but decided to keep driving to find a lake. We ended up in Grass Lake (still not sure where that is, but it's exit 150 on 94) and we found a lake and watched the stars come out.

When we returned to the school my parents were online and I heard the final verdict if I could go to IWU, Schoolcraft and Hudsonville. I am so stoked for spring break, it'll be awesome!! And my dorm was a hub of activity as we were all getting our costumes for today, Redneck day for spirit week.

At the end of the day, God's "Thank you for this day" was no where near satisfactory to express my thanks.