Naps are a thing of the devil!!! I'm SERIOUS!

Don't get me wrong, naps feel amazing, little afternoon siestas with the warm sun and cool breeze coming in the window. But for whatever reason, I can't take naps and sleep at night. I can't figure out why I have this problem. I know I used to sleep as a youngin' what's so different now? Yesterday exhaustion hit at about 2ish. I was lying on my top bunk right next to the open windows reading I Corinthians. Next thing I know, I have Anna and Ames waking me up for supper. I felt amazing afterward. Homework was easier because my mind was more alert, then I did all my normal "let's calm my mind and body down" things. Midnight rolls around and I get up into bed. Nothing. I get bored lying there with my eyes closed, so my mind has a field day. I thought maybe I could read myself to sleep again. I pulled out a Real Simple magazine, and, unlike usual, I read through a whole magazine. Still nothing. In fact, now I have more thoughts and ideas running through my head. So I ramble-write for a while (my favorite pastime when my mind won't shut up). I turn my computer back on and torture a friend by sending him my rambling. Still nothing. It is now 1:45. Alarms (all 3) are set anywhere between 6:30 and 6:45. Dishcrew starts at 7:15. Sleep sounded amazing, but still found a way to be allusive. I pull out my James devotional and decided to fully engage my mind and tire myself out instead of trying to numb myself. I was simply blown away by the little things in my life God showed me through that. At 2:30 I noticed that I was struggling to concentrate and even keep my eyes open. THANK YOU LORD! I said a goodnight/thank you prayer to finish up my devo time and was asleep before I realized that I left my light on.

My nighttime saga. Fascinating, I know. (Sarcasm seems to have found it's place at the forefront of my brain today.) I couldn't afford to be drowsy through classes today, so nasty school coffee was doctored up to taste somewhat drinkable. (Coffee...YUMMY...but that's a different topic.) By the time that class started at 8, I felt like concentration was something that could possibly last, at least through one class.

Glorious "sleep chapel" (it's student leaders chapel, so the rest of the students have a free hour) happens to be the reason for this rant occurring before lunch. The whole of the student body covets this day above all else and it is named sleep chapel for a reason. The only reason I've found that people don't actually sleep is if they procrastinated on their homework. I must confess that I have done that many a time. But this is not one of those times. My whole goal today in skipping out on the sleep part of this chapel is so that I can complete exhaust myself and go to bed extremely early for complete alertness tomorrow. Odd goal, especially for me. (If you have spent any amount of time with me you know the seriousness of that statement. Sleep is not my favored activity. Funny that I would have a whole post about it then.)

Anyway, it had been a while since I had rambled like such. Sad day, but I think I may have just made up for it.

Blessed...

So last night Brandon and I were talking about life. Currently I have a friend who just got engaged and that sparked a conversation about marriage. Here was my take on the matter...
"it's my goal...if you want my worldly goals....that's it...i want to be married...but i'm trying to not let that desire cloud my view of how the Lord wants to use me while i'm still single"
Shortly after that, Brandon and I seemed to open up to each other, at least more than we ever had before. I just stopped and looked back at the conversation we were having and saw just how blessed I was to have a brother like Brandon (even if i was talking to him when i should have been doing my homework). Moments of laughter in our serious discussion were as such...
"my future wife will be exactly what I need...so she is amazing...because...exactly what I need...is going to be a prettty bizzare mixture"
"sure there are stranger people...but they are ALWAYS strange"
then i got all serious again
"and that brings out the part of me that is (forgive me) half way happy that you are single...so i have my brother with no plus "so-and-so"...thanksgiving was hard for me...and so was new years...not that i felt left out...cuz it wasn't that...it was that you weren't MY brothers you wereTHEIR someone special...."
And finally, the part that this post is dedicated to...
Brandon Boy: which is one thing I absolutely loved...our family is so blessed
Brandon Boy: and I realize that more and more every year
Bridge: (amen)
Brandon Boy: even the good kids, that grew up in Christian homes...most have nothing on our family
Bridge: i think of my bff here...who sees nothing good in marriage and can't even be happy for people getting married
Bridge: i stayed at her house...growing up there i would never wanna be married either
Brandon Boy: yeah
Brandon Boy: I have friends
Brandon Boy: hurts my heart
Brandon Boy: a lot
Brandon Boy: I like being home (not much to do there...but it is still home)
Brandon Boy: because my family is there
Brandon Boy: not because of friends
Brandon Boy: and when I am home, I know my parents love me
Brandon Boy: and woudn't do anything purposefully to hurt me...
Bridge: i expirienced that for the first time...the wanting to be home for that reason...and longing to go back now...just these past 4 days
Bridge: having Lisa there
Bridge: that was something for me
Bridge: to even see what her kids were growing up seeing
Bridge: wishing they could grow up as i did
Bridge: knowing how blessed that is
Bridge: but mostly...i loved Saturday
Bridge: mom, dad and i went to alpena in the afternoon and evening
Bridge: we shopped...not even together...(i didn't buy anything)
Bridge: then went out to eat
Bridge: and stopped to get coffee
Bridge: and drove home all in three in the front seat
Bridge: talking about college
Bridge: and camp
Bridge: and life
Bridge: and it hit me
Bridge: and from that moment in the car
Bridge: no matter what little differences i have with mom and dad
Bridge: no matter if i know i need to get away for a time
Bridge: there has been and will be a piece of me that wants to stay there forever
Bridge: cuz like you said
Bridge: i'm safe there
Bridge: i'm loved there
Bridge: that's a feeling you can't duplicate
Bridge: you can't find by looking
Bridge: it's something that is a gift from God
Bridge: only a parents love
Bridge: a love i wanna show my children
Bridge: another thing is i've seen how much mom and i are alike
Bridge: in how we react and act towards kids
Bridge: but dad and i in how we plan things
Brandon Boy: yeah
Brandon Boy: you hit the nail on the head
Brandon Boy: as much as I know I could probably find a girl
Brandon Boy: with whom life would be easy
Bridge: but that's not what you are looking for....
Bridge: you don't want life to be easy
Bridge: you want it to be full...fulfilled
Bridge: the best God has for you both
Brandon Boy: well
Brandon Boy: see the deal is
Brandon Boy: that my family has love to share
Bridge: yeah
Bridge: ?
Brandon Boy: so why should I just take the easy road?
Brandon Boy: my heart wants to love
Brandon Boy: I don't know
Bridge: ding ding ding ... sounds like the right reasoning to me
Brandon Boy: I am not going to just pursue a girl because she is hurting (or because she is NOT hurting
Brandon Boy: but
Brandon Boy: there is no reason to just always try to make life as easy as possible
Bridge: brandon boy...we have to be two of the most complicated people on this planet...the way our minds work...but you have me beat more than i knew"

AAAHHHHHHH!!! LORD You have blessed FAR beyond what I could EVER deserve!!!

Grief...

...hit me again. My RA has a friend who is now with the Lord. He left 2 years ago. One night early on in the semester I told her about Josh, and she told me about Mike. We found that we were in similar spots in the grieving process. Well, she has been missing him lately and I was curious as to what had triggered it. She wasn't here to ask, so I went exploring on her blog and found her friends. Finding out the reason left my mind and I was excited to explore blogs (one of my new favorite pastimes). I didn't expect to stumble upon what I did find. Her name is Amy, and she is now my hero. Mike's wife, she is revealing how life was for her 2 years ago, right before, during, and after the accident. I realized who it was and wanted to stop, my mind screamed for me not to read, not to pry, but I couldn't. I read about their amazing vacation, the struggles and joys of their marriage on that trip. I read about the accident. I read about the grief and shock. I paused. I was bawling...a complete mess. (can't even write that without tearing up) Josh was a friend, not my best friend, truth be told he knew more about me than I knew about him. But he still meant so much to me. He had a deep care for people, and I got a chance to experience that first hand so many times. The last time I saw him, I left conversation open ended. I was down and out mad at him. It wasn't his fault, and I was taking it out on him. He accepted blame graciously as he understood what I was going through. And that was it. September came and he was gone.

I "worked through" my pain quickly, but realized quickly that I was only burying it. That came back to bite me as I was here at school. I've had a couple of good cries, and little tears here and there. The Lord has been healing me as I remember the memories I have of Josh and the conversations I have with people like my RA, but I can't tell you the pain I'm experiencing right now as I write this. Yeah, I know it's a part of life and I'll see him again. Yeah, I know everyone else who was close to Josh has to deal with it too. Yeah, I know that everyone has had someone close to them die and some of them without hope of life after death. But I love how I have heard it put, "You know why we have such a hard time with death, because it's not natural. We were not made to die. Death came from the fall. We were made to live forever." I hate death, it's a nasty thing. I know it only becomes more real as I get older. I should be pulling peace and strength from the fact that I'll see them again. And I am happy about that...but that doesn't seem to make it hurt worse, or make that pain go away.

This wound won't seem to heal...

~~~~~~
So this is someone's encouragement. How do I read these and be encouraged?? Why don't these words change anything in how I feel.
Arrived

Watching and waiting our whole life through
For the moment when we arrive in Glory.
We’ll be standing before His emerald throne.
O what a day it will be!

All tears are gone and suffering ceased.
Perfect new life with no earthly strife
For we’ve finished the race, run to His embrace
O what a day it will be!

When we’ve arrived, stunned and surprised,
All things resolved in the blink of an eye;
No more distractions, no sin left to fight.
The first glimpse of Jesus and faith becomes sight.

Feel the ground shake, hear thunder roll.
See blinding light and seraphim flight.
All amazed we will fall, yet the Father will call,
“Stand, I have made you my own.”

A choir with angels, martyrs and saints
Sing in His praise with no end to the day,
Shouting, “Holy, holy, holy!” to almighty God;
O what a song that will be!

When we’ve arrived, stunned and surprised,
All things resolved in the blink of an eye;
No more distractions, no sin left to fight.
The first glimpse of Jesus and faith becomes sight.
©2008 Resolved Music. All right reserved. International Copyright Secured.