Spiritual Disciplines Part 3

Failure...Rex told us to expect it, but I didn't. I've had nothing but disappointment and disgust for myself and my apparent lack of discipline. I knew I was bad, didn't know how many excuses I could find to not do something that I should do.

Tuesday - Cara and I went on our date for coffee. I had been doing homework before we went and made the choice to not go over my notes before we left, assuming I would just remember. Mistake #1 We left and started our regular date conversation. I would record it, but they are held in confidence. As we talked, we jumped into a little bit of what we talked about in some classes or chapels the days before, but nothing was specifically planned. That night when I was lying in bed, I vaguely remembered that I didn't write an entry and I realized what I had done (or rather, hadn't done). I determined that I would just make do with what I had done and admit my failure before I rolled over into a sleep.

Wednesday - As I walked to class with my notebook in hand, I said I HAD to do better that day. I sat down in class and listened for something to catch my attention to write it down. Mistake #2 Very quickly I was doodling and struggling to pay attention. I gave up after the first class and said that I would just do better by looking through my notes again. But I didn't think of a time or a person. Mistake #3 It was a cloudy and rainy day, so I was VERY depressed and used that as an excuse to waste away my afternoon and evening trying to "cheer myself up." By the time I went with Anna over to the Potters I was pretty happy and didn't think about my discipline at all. We returned and I talked to Grace and a friend from back home, and certain parts of those conversations had undertones of class or chapel. Nothing was purposeful though.

Thursday - This morning I remembered everything that I was supposed to have done and didn't. I walked towards my computer to write a blog admitting my failure and pledging to do better today, but I was afraid to face my own failure. I walked out of my room for class this morning and tried not to give it a second (or third or fourth or fifth or...) thought. I was convicted so bad during class that I made last minute plans to do my homework away from the school so I wouldn't have to look at my computer. Amie and I went over to Conni's to do our homework and it got to be too much for me. I almost just spilled my guts about my failure all over Amie, but I wisely waited. Conversation started and it seemed to naturally lean towards classes (the direction of God is amazing!). No, I didn't plan for it, nor did I study for it, but I had a conversation about classes, how God's been working in my life, and teachers with Amie. It must have lasted close to an hour. I can't call this a success though. My goal was to make it a conscious effort. As we were talking I remembered there was something that Sullivan said that I wanted someones opinion on, but I didn't write it down. Mistake #4 I figured I'd just remember.

All in all the last three days have been terrible.
Mistake #1 - Assuming I would remember what I wanted to say about the notes without refreshing my memory.
Mistake #2 - Putting my full attention on looking for something that catches my attention instead of putting my looking towards the simple truths we are learning here.
Mistake #3 - Not planning to do it.
Mistake #4 - Not writing down a spoken word before it runs out of the memory.

Lord, help me as this weekend ensues to have the discipline to complete the task laid before me!