Try as hard as I might, that feeling keeps creeping back in. I feel empty. My Lord, Jesus Christ is there, but that feeling, you know, the one everyone tells you goes away, yeah that one...that's gone. It's so so easy for me to be a lukewarm Christian. That is a natural place for me. I'm not a hardcore rebel, but I make and want to make choice that aren't QUITE right. I start friendships and am perfectly happy not taking them into the spiritual part of my life. Letting them be really close friends, of me, the person.
How did I get there from where I started...?
But honestly I think it's a control issue this time. Last time it was a security issue, this time control. I want control. I want to know that I can change it (don't you love pronouns with no nouns to refer to). I want to know that it (there is that pronoun again) won't be able to tell me what to do.
The "it" is many things. My attitude, my friendships, my hardships, my temptations, my parents, my state laws, my Lord. Ranging from could be good could be bad, to, "stealing control from that is signing a death warrent".
I want assurance that I'm not some gullible puppet on a string, that I have a say in my life. Even if it's as simple as the ability to drive myself down to Jackson to see my loves. I feel like even the "it's" that I have claimed control over, really have control over me. I'm in bondage to having control over them. Does that make sense?
This very well could be an endless circle that makes no sense to anyone but me...
But if so, this is my circle, "and I'm stinkin to it." Literally, I'm stuck in it. Asking the Lord to get me out!
Other than that lingering, underlying feeling, I'm loving life.
I feel like sometimes the Lord is up there just holding a blessing for me in his hands. He tells the angels, "watch, she's going to doubt me again." They all chime in with, "no way." "after what you did for her last time, she's must be a fool." etc. Then when I do, he laughs in the warmest, friendliest laugh you've ever heard. (Think Santa, now less creepy, and more real, and heavenly, oh nevermind...not worth trying to go there) He gently tosses the blessing DIRECTLY in my path and I run into it. After I check my nose for broken bones, I realize he just blessed me after I doubted and hit myself in my already bruised nose with the "duh" sign. Now the whole heavenly realm is laughing with me and God as I laugh at myself for being so rediculous. Then 3 steps later I've forgotten all over again and it all happens again.
Ever feel like no matter what is going on in your life you are only running in circles?
I'm totally there...
Well, getting ready for company in a couple days! Goodnight, God bless!
How did I get there from where I started...?
But honestly I think it's a control issue this time. Last time it was a security issue, this time control. I want control. I want to know that I can change it (don't you love pronouns with no nouns to refer to). I want to know that it (there is that pronoun again) won't be able to tell me what to do.
The "it" is many things. My attitude, my friendships, my hardships, my temptations, my parents, my state laws, my Lord. Ranging from could be good could be bad, to, "stealing control from that is signing a death warrent".
I want assurance that I'm not some gullible puppet on a string, that I have a say in my life. Even if it's as simple as the ability to drive myself down to Jackson to see my loves. I feel like even the "it's" that I have claimed control over, really have control over me. I'm in bondage to having control over them. Does that make sense?
This very well could be an endless circle that makes no sense to anyone but me...
But if so, this is my circle, "and I'm stinkin to it." Literally, I'm stuck in it. Asking the Lord to get me out!
Other than that lingering, underlying feeling, I'm loving life.
I feel like sometimes the Lord is up there just holding a blessing for me in his hands. He tells the angels, "watch, she's going to doubt me again." They all chime in with, "no way." "after what you did for her last time, she's must be a fool." etc. Then when I do, he laughs in the warmest, friendliest laugh you've ever heard. (Think Santa, now less creepy, and more real, and heavenly, oh nevermind...not worth trying to go there) He gently tosses the blessing DIRECTLY in my path and I run into it. After I check my nose for broken bones, I realize he just blessed me after I doubted and hit myself in my already bruised nose with the "duh" sign. Now the whole heavenly realm is laughing with me and God as I laugh at myself for being so rediculous. Then 3 steps later I've forgotten all over again and it all happens again.
Ever feel like no matter what is going on in your life you are only running in circles?
I'm totally there...
Well, getting ready for company in a couple days! Goodnight, God bless!
0 comments:
Post a Comment